GOVERNMENT SHORT ON FUNDS – COMBINES TWO TRIALS
In the midst of an exceedingly mild recovery from an especially deep recession, the Justice Department today announced a merging of two long, long, long, long running trials, which, frankly, have been putting both spectators and jurors to sleep.
Attorney General Eric Holder explained to a Frontburner reporter that from this point on, evidence in the cases of John Edwards and Roger Clemons will be presented by just one set of U.S. attorneys before one jury and be limited to statements of fact related to the improper use of Edwards campaign funds to purchase steroids which were then injected into Clemons by Edward’s long time sugarbaby, Rielle Hunter. Clemons has admitted to fathering a child with Hunter, a charge previously and falsely made against Edwards, who is now expected to run for Governor of Texas.
“The American people want us to cut costs and stop with the bullshit already”, said Holder, “and that is exactly what we are going to do.”
DAVID STERN ANNOUNCES NBA EXPANSION, END TO MEXICAN VIOLENCE
Abruptly calling off the 2012 NBA Playoffs and awarding the Larry O’Brien Trophy to the San Antonio Spurs, NBA Commissiiner David Stern explained his actions in an exclusive sit down with the Frontburner editorial board in an undisclosed location on the Texas-Mexican border.
Stern revealed that television ratings were so low that “It was possible that we actually would have posted negative numbers had we continued with this farce”. Best Buy had recently announced the closing of hundreds of stores after frustrated customers left in droves, resulting in a change of store policy, as demonstration televisions in Best Buy outlets coast to coast were placed in an “anything but the NBA” mode.
“The Spurs are obviously never going to lose again and a conference final matching San Antonio with Oklahoma City would be interesting to only 17 people spread over the two states, or so our market research showed”, explained Stern adding, “With Lebron James ready to do his annual disappearing act, the eastern conference finals would simply have been an exercise in determining who wanted to lose to the Spurs in the NBA Finals. I mean, can you name even ONE player on EITHER the Pacers or 76ers?”
Attempting to deflect criticism of the League, Stern announced the addition of two new teams, to be located in Anaheim and Mexico City.
Howard Samueli has been awarded ownership of the Anaheim Royales With Cheese, bringing to five the number of California teams, all of whom will make up the “California Division”. Memphis will move to the Eastern Conference leaving Minnesota, Oklahoma City, Denver, Utah and Portland in the “Who Cares?” Division.
But Stern was exceptionally excited to announce that the Mexico City Zetas had been awarded to Mexico’s largest drug cartel.
“This is really going to put some excitement back into the game”, said Stern. “People love violence and this will give the Zetas a chance to organize their beheadings as part of a halftime routine that would also include cheerleaders having sex with farm animals as well as the headless torsos of rival gangs. There is nothing like a little bestiality and necrophilia to boost attendance and by bringing the violence to just one venue on scheduled days, we hope that the rest of the Mexican population can finally leave their homes again, hopefully including attending the games of our great association”, he concluded.
The NBA’s national television package is expected to supplants narco trafficking as the Zeta’s chief source if income.
The Zetas will compete in the Tex-Mex Division with the Spurs, Rockets, Mavs and Suns.
Both new franchises will have similar mascots. The Royales With Cheese have signed a long term contract with UCS star “Traveller” while the Zetas, taking a more literary line, will recreate The Headless Horseman.
MAYAN GOD BOLON YOKTE CLEANING HOUSE BEFORE END OF WORLD
Exactly seven months before the announced end of the world, Mayan god Bolon Yokte today gave an interview to Frontburner, in which he described some of the cleanup efforts he would be making in the months leading up to the end of the world in December 2012..
Yokte explained that his early appearance was the result of a need to “put things in order”.
“Yesterday, I brought Johnny Cash back to life just to watch him die again, to begin the healing process and reveal the awesome power that I hold”, explained the centuries old god.
“The ring of fire was just a small example of what I will be doing come December”, he said.
He had some harsh words for both the music and the impaired fashion sense of the 1970’s.
“Not my favorite period of history, the 70’s. It was the total destruction of the creative musical proces in the seventies, as real music gave way to such monstrosities as soft rock and disco that set this procedure in motion” explained Yokte, noting that it was he who had “cleaned house” by summoning both Donna Summer and Robin Gibb to stand trial before the gods of the afterlife this week.
In related news, John Travolta has been accused of touching both bodies inappropriately.